If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
