I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
