Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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