2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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