you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
