I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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