I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
