Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
