Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
