Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
