At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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