My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I believe in your delicious
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
