and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
