Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
