just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
