I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
