I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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