i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
