I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
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I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
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You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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