Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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