how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
