Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
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Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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