How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
