no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
