I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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