Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
