White coat. Heels.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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