You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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