How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
