I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I want a musical about memes.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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