i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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