Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
