i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
