legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
