News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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