I'm jealous of your bromance
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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