Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
