just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
