I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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