fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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