Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
