saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
