I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
