She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
