My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
