i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
