So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
