finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
