watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
