Will you blow on my dice?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
