I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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