Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
