apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
