When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
