just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
