I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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