I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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